


Haku's going to find out, one way or the other

by Topology_no_jutsu



Category: Naruto
Genre: Gay Disasters, M/M, Multi, Side story to Lord of Time
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-25
Updated: 2019-09-21
Packaged: 2019-09-26 20:17:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17148419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Topology_no_jutsu/pseuds/Topology_no_jutsu
Summary: Your name is Haku Yuki and if you can manage to not kill Hinata before Naruto gets back, that'll be a victory all in itself.  Side story for the Lord of Time from Haku's perspective about what goes on for the time Naruto's away.





	1. Chapter 1

“So, when was I going to find out Naruto was gone on a mission” if you had to describe how this situation made you feel, angry was a good one.

“I was hoping when he came back” Hinata looked like a cornered animal to you, mostly because you had her very cornered.  “And he did try and tell you, you just fell asleep instead remember?”

“Oh so you just, choose to not mention it for the past few days why?” sure that was on you, but it was a full three days since he’d left.

“I, um, forgot?”

“You forgot, that guy you’ve been transforming into to trick me for the past few days, was gone?”

“When you put it like that, I seem like a very forgetful person.”

“Or a really bad liar, and I know one of this a lie.”

“Ok fine, yes I didn’t want to tell you because I thought you’d be mad at me.  Clearly, I was right!”

You scoff, trying to sound offended by her comment even if it’s true.  If she’d done it sooner you wouldn’t have gotten mad; or even if she had just let you find out yourself instead of lying.  You’d be even less mad if the two of you hadn’t almost just, done the deed.

“How have you been in this relationship for this long, and you don’t know what a limit point is?” this was what gave away her clever ruse.

“I’m not a goddamn analysist!” now Hinata was sounding kind of indignant about all this.  “Why the hell do you know what that is?  Why is that something you say as dirty talk?”

“If you knew Naruto you’d understand, it’s what gets him going” it was sad but true.

“First off, I’m so upset to learn this fact, and secondly, I do know him!  Weird math based dirty talk has just never come up!”

“How were you planning on seducing him?  Flashing him and hoping for the best?”

“How can you make that sound like it’s the weird thing to do?  That’s like, a normal way to start, the sex.”

“Oh really?  I am I talking to an expert on ‘the sex?’” you use air quotes to mock her terminology.

“Am I?  I’ve heard about Zabuza’s cock blocking.”

“DAMMIT WHO TOLD YOU” you didn’t want her knowing you were equals in this sense.

“WHO DO YOU THINK?”

“GAARA?” you turn to him, you’d trusted him.

“I was merely trying to provide as much assistance as possible and it seemed like helpful information at the time” god dammit Gaara.

“How was that useful at the time exactly?”

“Hinata was concerned with her ability to keep up with a ‘sexually experience’ individual such as yourself.  So I put her worries at ease with this information.”

“Of course you did” you honestly don’t know what you were expecting to hear.

“I can level the field if you’d like by revealing a personal secret of Hinata’s?” now Gaara was talking.

“WHAT NO DON’T DO THAT” Hinata was fighting against his sand to try and plug his mouth.

“YES DO THAT” you are a gossipy bitch first.

“Hinata has expressed –hmpf” somehow she managed to get through the sand and shove her whole hand into his mouth.

“I HAVE EXPRESSED NOTHING, EVER” she was clearly very embarrassed about this secret, you had to know it.

“IT’S ONLY FAIR” you put her into a full nelson, pulling her hand out of Gaara’s mouth.

“As I was saying” Gaara, to his credit, was almost entirely unfazed by her hand having been in his mouth.  “Hinata has expressed concerns of the appearance of her behind being up to par with your own.”

“Her what?” you’re so confused by this your hold on her loosens enough for her to break free.

“Thank god you don’t understand words that well” Hianta looked incredibly relieved.

“Oh was it unclear?” Gaara pulled out a notepad and read from it.  “To directly quote you, ‘Haku’s ass is rounder than mine, and I know for a fact Naruto is as an ass man’ end quote.”

You can’t control your laughter, partially due to hearing Gaara say that and Hinata’s mortified expression.  You crumple to the ground a cackling mess.

“Gaara, why do you have a notebook full of secret’s I’ve told you?”

“Oh I always take notes when friends come to me for help, here’s one from Naruto” he flips some pages.  “Begin quote, ‘Everyone says it’s weird how my dreams involve so much math, but I don’t think it’s that weird.  I admit it’s weird the reaction my body has to it, but that’s out of my control.’  End quote.”

“Ok what else have you got in there keep them coming” you’re angry from moments ago completely forgotten in the face of this treasure trove.

“Do another Haku one next, to keep it fair” Hinata shoots you a dirty look to stop your protests.

“Fine yeah read one from me” you roll your eyes at her.

“Begin quote, ‘Not too sound like a massive slut, but Naruto needs to hurry it the hell up and hit this already.’ End quote.”

“Ok I know for a fact I never said that” you try and save some dignity.

“Technically no, this was in one of the books you gave me to read, based off what I’ve learned it was about a week into you two dating.”

“Wow, a whole week” Hinata ‘Slut shame’ Hyuuga apparently.

“Don’t slut shame me, you didn’t wear any underwear cause you thought he was going to pipe you on the first date.”

“YOU TOLD ME NOT TO” her face was now bright red.

“I’m sorry, pipe?” Gaara’s lack of slang knowledge was really a gift.

“It means get dicked down, which means get boned, which mean having ‘the sex’” you say it again to mock her once more.

“Ah” Gaara made the ‘ah’ of not knowing but also not caring.

“You’re the one who’s constantly making it about sex between us all” Hinata was pointing and accusative finger at you now.

“Whoa, whoa, slow down there” you won’t take this bold faced lie standing up.  “You’re the one who day one asked who’d get to fuck him first.”

“I did not!”

“You did so!”

“See, this is why the notebook is helpful” Gaara was either selling those things, or just not picking up the vibe of the conversation.

“Yeah I think having it written down all the times Haku called me a ‘Man stealing whore’ would be very helpful here.”

“First off, I never said man stealing, I said ‘Wannabe man stealing whore.’  There was no way you were gonna steal Naruto from me.”

“Really?  Cause last time I check I’m currently the most recently dated one here” oh she was pulling that card.

“Only because he felt bad after you sob story” if she was going to play dirty so were you.  “Or did you miss the part where he knew so little about you he couldn’t even set up the date alone?”

“Oh like your date was better?  Didn’t you go see a porn film?”

“Yeah and then we had a romantic dance among fire-flies under a beautiful sky and he told me he loves me, so boom better date” yeah you dropped the love card.

“Yeah, well, he has weird visions where I and he are married so, I think that’s pretty telling about our future.”

“Yeah and y’all name a kid Boruto and have a shit marriage he’s told me all about it” she thought she had the upper hand here, the fool.

“Well, those visions inspired him to care more and be a better boyfriend to me so, some Borutos need to be sacrificed.”

“That’s cold, that’s your future child.”

“Hopefully not, I’m not raising a kid named Boruto.”

“Amen Sister” you exchange a high-five with her.

“Also we totally smashed on my date with him I just didn’t want to say” she says this and then quickly runs out of the room.

“YOU WHAT” your very dignified reply leaves you a bit frozen in place.

“So, should I put in my notes that you two made up or that you are now worse friends?” Gaara was diligently writing all this down.

“You can put down, Hinata Hyuuga: Time of death five fifty-six” you run after her, intent on either finding out this was a lie, or killing Hinata.


	2. Chapter 2

“Hinata get off the roof before I come up there” your chase had ended like this.

“Are you going to attack me if I come down?” she had no trust in you.

“Why would you even say that, come on, we share a boyfriend” you do your best to assure her while keeping the various knives you were holding hidden.

“Maybe, just maybe, because you chased me around the house yelling you were going to kill me for about twenty minutes” ok, that may have happened sure, but that was the past.

“That was past Haku, this is present Haku, I’ve changed, grown as a person” you give your most convincing smile.

“Not buying that at all, I live up here now” for a girl with x-ray vision she did not use it often to check for hidden weapons.

“THEN I’M COMING UP” You ice mirror up to the roof ready to drop her.

“SEE, I KNEW YOU WERE LYING” she dodges your initial attack.  “WHY ARE YOU SO MAD, YOU TOLD ME IT WAS FINE.”

“I WAS LYING” you swipe at her with a kunai to get the point across.

“THEN WHY SAY IT, HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY” she was frantically ducking and weaving out of the way.

“YOU IMPERSONATED NARUTO FOR THREE DAYS, DON’T TRY AND TAKE THE HIGH GROUND ON ME” you sweep her feet and pin her to the roof.

“I think the two of you have a beautiful relationship” Gaara was floating on some sand taking notes again.

“NOT NOW GAARA” you both shout at him.

“Working through your issues in a mutual and healthy way is a good indicator of a healthy relationship is all I’m trying to say” how was he so dense.

“We do not have a relationship, we have adjacent relationships” you want to make it clear you’re not dating Hinata.

“Yeah, wait, what?” Hianta apparently disagreed.  “I thought we were all dating, like a triangle type thing.”

“I’m gay, why would we be dating?” you unpin her, distracted by this new topic.

“We’ve kissed!  Like many times, you’ve touched my boobs!”

“BY ACCIDENT, I was still mostly asleep, I’d touch Gaara’s boobs like that” you try and save face.

“Perhaps the two of you should consider what your relationship actually is?” great now it was couples counseling with Gaara.

“I think we have a mutual understanding of each other’s love for Naruto and lesser sense of affection for each other” wow look at Hinata, busting out the big words.

“And I think you’re wrong and dumb for thinking that” you, of course, state an equally intelligent reply.

“Hinata, what do you feel for Haku exactly?” Gaara was really getting into his role.

“Haku took me into his home and life when I was alone, sure we had some bumps, a lot of bumps, but we’re still here and I care for him” Hinata was actually saying kind of heartfelt things.

“And Haku, what do you feel for Hinata?”

“She’s a hoe.”

“Do you wish to elaborate on that?” Gaara was really trying.

“She’s a walking sob story and I took her in because I felt bad for her, we both love Naruto but that’s it for or similarities, and she’s a hoe” you feel this is an equally heartfelt reply.

“So you pity her?”

“No I don’t pity her, I mean, I guess I do sometimes” she did have a lot of sob stories.

“So you think you’re better than me?” Hinata clearly didn’t like that.

“I mean, duh, like you said, my ass is rounder.  Doesn’t take a detective ninja to put this puzzle together.”

“Oh yeah?  What exactly does the puzzle show then?”

“Naruto and Haku together forever, and Hinata alone with her thirty cats.”

“Are you just, upset that Naruto likes me too?  Can you really not control your ego enough to get over that?”

“Likes you?  He literally is pity dating you, because I told him to, and you have the arrogance to have pity sex with him.”

“Is it really pity dating if he’s showing how much he does care and wants to learn more about me?”

“Is it really pity dating if he’s showing how much he does care and wants to learn more about me?” you repeat it but in a mocking tone.

“Oh grow up, I thought we’d gotten past this but apparently I was wrong” Hinata was clearly getting very fed up with you and your antics.

“You’re the one getting too big for your britches, making moves on my man like your hot shit.  Newsflash, you’re not hot anything.”

“Oh real mature, I’ll remember than next time I wake up to you grinding on me, with that, oh what’s the word for it, right, micropenis” oh she did not just say that.

“Wanna run that one by me again?” you wanted to see if she had the gall to say it again.

“I said, you have a micropenis” she looked you dead in the eyes while saying it.

“How.  Dare.  You”

“Very easily” oh she had the gall alright.

“First off, I do not have a micropenis, I have a normal sized penis it just has to be erect.”

“I hear people who look up the normal size of a penis have way smaller than normal dicks” she’d set you up for this one.

“You are, straddling the line of me attacking you right now.”

“Wow, one joke about your small dick and you’re ready to blow?  Bet you’re even worse in bed.”

“I think you two should stop before anymore feelings are hurt” Gaara was really trying his best here, but it was too late.

“No I think you’re right Gaara, this is an important thing to have between the two of us, open communication” you pace a bit to prep your next comment.  “If I’m honest I don’t even know why you like Naruto, what with your mountain of Mommy and Daddy issues.”

“My mom fucking died you asshole” Hinata definitely didn’t like that comment.

“Oh boohoo join the club, my dad killed my mom and then I killed my dad” you can out sob story this rich girl in a heartbeat.

“Oh, I’m” she looked really lost now.

“Yeah, and then I was fucking garbage on the street.  I was waiting for someone to take the effort to put me out of my misery.  Instead I got taken in by a ruthless killing machine and turned into a fucking weapon.”

“Haku you don’t have to say this if it hurts” she looked so concerned for you.

“YES I DO, Naruto is the best thing in my life, he’s the only thing in my life” you can feel your tears.  “I can never give him a family, and you can and it hurts.  I want to be with him and make him happy, but I can’t even give him what he’s always wanted.”

She pulls you into a hug.  You cry into her shoulder as you hug her back.  Gaara pats you on the back very awkwardly.

“What if he” Hinata stops your line of thinking by tightening the hug.

“He wouldn’t” her words resonate in you for some reason.

“Not to, kill the moment, but do we have to be on the roof still?” Gaara, as masterful as always.

“Come on, we can go inside and eat some ice cream” Hinata gently lead you to Gaara’s sand lift.

“I’m, I’m sorry for what I said earlier, I care about you too Hinata” you felt bad about it now.

“I know, but you still have a small dick I wasn’t lying before” wow, she really didn’t pull punches.

“Yeah and you have daddy issues” you climb on to the lift with them both.

“And mommy issues, can’t forget those” she smiles at you.

“Yeah but I have daddy issues too so I can at least relate to you there” you smile back, maybe, you two could get along without Naruto there to mediate.

“I’m glad I could help you two on this emotional journey” Gaara was the glue holding this shitty family together.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Boom here we go new chapter let's fucking go.

“Remember, this is a bonding exercise not a harm exercise” Gaara was mediating another shared therapy session.  “And I am enforcing the no weapons rule this time so please just make it easy and drop all the weapons ahead of time.”

“Drop all your weapons ahead of time” you and Hinata repeated this in a mocking tone together as you complied.

“While the tone was hurtful, I appreciate it.”

“Is this about the egg salad fiasco or are we just having one of these everyday now?” you want to know how often this would be a regular event in your life.

“As I’ve said before, a consistent and regular amount of sessions like these would be really good for you both.”

“It’s about the egg salad fiasco” Hinata was good at reading him.

“Yes.  Today it as about that event.”

“I already apologized about it so why do we need to do this?” you really didn’t want to have to be here for this.

“Because I’d like to be able to eat my lunch without it getting destroyed by a fight I’m not a part of” ok Gaara had a good point there.

“What if we just promise to only fight outside?” Hinata had a very easy and simple solution right there.

“No, we’re getting to the heart of the issue and dealing with it from there, this is the healthier method.”

“I kinda like her plan actually, can’t we just vote on it?”

“Yeah two to one, outside only seems like the plan.”

“No, that is a non-sustainable solution to this problem.”

“If therapy fails we use the outside rule?”

“Well now I just feel like you two aren’t even going to give this a fair try” he was onto your plan dammit.  “Please just try.”

“Fine” you roll your eyes and sit on the couch.

“For the egg salad” Hinata sat in a chair opposite the couch.

“Thank you both, I appreciate it” Gaara sat on some sand in between you two.  “Now, to start can you tell me what sparked that fight?”

“My hairbrush was missing and I asked Hinata if she’d seen it and she said no, but then I found it in her room” you start the explanation.

“Is this true Hinata?”

“Yes…”

“Why did you take his brush without asking and then lie about it?”

“Well, my hairbrush is broken because Kiba used it to brush Akamaru and snapped the handle off, and I didn’t want to buy a new one so I just grabbed Hakus.  I thought you’d be mad if you knew I’d taken it and hadn’t put it back yet so I lied.”

“And this lie caused the fight?” Gaara didn’t see how this could escalate to a fight.

“Not quite” now it was your turn to come clean.  “After I found my brush I decided to retaliate, so I took a bunch of random stuff from Hinatas side of the room and hide it.  Including a necklace from her mom.”

“I see, two wrongs don’t make a right Haku.”

“Oh shut it I know that I just wanted to get even ok” was he really gonna spout that baby philosophy at you.

“So this caused the fight?”

“Well….” Hinata looked a little sheepish as she started her next explanation.  “After I noticed my things were missing I started to panic, the necklace is the only thing I have to remember my mom by.  So I tore apart the room looking for it, in the process I accidentally tore Hakus favorite kimono.”

“So this?”

“Nope, after that Hinata tried to hide said kimono till she could fix it without me noticing.  But I needed it to wear later that day so coming into the room and seeing it torn up and my kimono missing I started to panic.  I found it because Hinata is bad at hiding things and got very mad since I thought she did it on purpose.”

“So the-” Gaara, poor sweet Gaara, had no idea the mess he was digging into.

“Then Haku, in retaliation for this, wore my mom’s necklace to work, where it got stolen because he took it off for some reason.”

“I didn’t want to get it dirty while I cleaned the stores attic how was I sup-” you try to interject.

“And then the necklace got stolen.  To cover this up Haku bought a random other necklace and gave it to me to try and apologize for getting the original stolen.  Sort of.”

“Sort of?”

“I was planning to do it in a mean way since I was still kinda mad about the whole kimono thing.  I won’t go into details there if that’s ok?”

“Yeah I think we can skip that part too.”

“Really?”

“We both said some very hurtful words.”

“Very hurtful.”

“Well, carry on then?”

“So then when Haku pulled out the new necklace I was at first kinda shocked in a good way since I thought it was a kind gesture masked by a mean one.  Only then he explained what happened to the original.”

“This caused the initial incident, you may have heard the scream while you prepared your salad in the kitchen.”

“I did in fact hear it.”

“Yeah so I screamed really loud out of anger and punched Haku really hard.”

“Like really really hard, I have a bruise there still.”

“Then the fight broke out.”

“And I know the rest from there yes” Gaara was now fully caught up on the asinine nature of the conflict.

“Now what?” you didn’t feel any more healed then you were before.

“Now we, well normally, we’d talk about why you both did what you did.  But I think we can skip that step.”

“Cool cool” you liked skipping steps.

“So do we sing a song together now?” Hinata had no idea about the healing process clearly.

“No, we now look back at the causes and discuss ways to handle them in better ways.  Let’s start with the hairbrush for now.  What could you have done to prevent the fallout that came from the hairbrush taking Hinata?”

“Well, I suppose I could have asked first?”

“Would that have prevented this Haku?”

“No way, I don’t want her using my brush on her hair, the oil transfer would kill my hair.”

“How would you handle that comment Hinata?”

“I’d just steal the brush in secret and use it.”

“Really.”

“I mean yeah, I’m not buying a new one for a dumb reason like that.”

“PROPER HAIRCARE IS NOT DUMB” you get instantly heated about this.

“It is when you’re a bitch about it, like right now, pussy boy.”

“OH YOU DID NOT JUST, DID YOU HEAR HER?  SHE IS LITERALLY INSTIGATING WITH ME ABOUT A HYPOTHETICAL SCENARIO.”

“Hinata please don’t use that kind of language in our sessions.”

“Why not?”

“It’s rude and mean spirited.”

“Fine” she rolled her eyes at him.

“Ok, now Haku, let’s go to the hairbrush finding, what could you have done differently?”

“Thrown the brush out and bought a new one since it was useless to me at that point anyways.”

“Why throw it out?  Just so I couldn’t use it?”

“Yeah you fucking stole it from me, you get no reward for being a thieving whore.”

“OH OK, SO IT’S ABOUT THAT?”

“Haku please, that’s on our list of banned words, Hinata has respected the list I ask you do to the same.”

“I’d like to appeal since thieving whore and man-stealing whore are different insults.”

“The spirit behind them is the same so no, you may not appeal.”

“Fine, big ass forehead bitch.”

“Please don’t make fun of my forehead.”

“Oh, why not, it’s prime billboard space” Hinata was now ganging up on him.

“Ha yeah it is, big forehead loser idiot.”

“I think it’s a better idea if you two just fight outside from now on” Gaara was on the verge of tears as he said this.

“HELL YEAH LET’S GO KILL EACHOTHER OUTSIDE” Haku tackled Hinata out the door.

“It’s not that big” Gaara was now crying to himself as he looked in the mirror.


	4. Chapter 4

“Haku” oh this wasn’t a good tone from Hinata.  “Why have I found fifty two letters addressed to me in the garbage?”

“Oh that” you thought it was something serious.  “It’s all mail from your dad so I’ve just been tossing it.”

“And you didn’t tell me about all this mail because?”

“Don’t you hate your dad?  Wouldn’t that just be a waste of all our times?”

“And if they were about something important that I might need to see?”

“Oh don’t worry they’re not, I read the first twenty and they all say the same shit, that’s when I started just tossing them.”

“You opened and read mail that was addressed to me?”

“Only twenty of it.”

“Haku.”

“Yes?”

“At no point did it occur to you that I might have an issue with that?”

“It did yeah.”

“But you kept doing it?”

“I got over it.”

“You got over it?”

“Yeah I had some guilt about it a while ago, but I realized I was doing the right thing and got over it.  You’re welcome.”

“Oh boy” she took a deep breath.  “First of all, no, I am not welcome.  Why the hell would you ever think it was fine to just not tell me about this?  Secondly, you can’t just get over guilt for doing something very wrong and then keep doing that very wrong thing.”

“Oh come on, would you not do the same for me if our situations were switched?”

“No!  I wouldn’t!  Because it’s wrong!”

“Oh I see, taking the high road on me all of a sudden” you know you’re completely in the wrong right now, but fuck her.  “I know you’re just as nosy a bitch as me and would do the same thing.”

“We are not changing topics right now, we’re still discussing this.”

“Why does it matter?  I threw your mail out, yeah you got me, and I also forgot to empty that trashcan.  Two wrongs have now made a right and you have the mail.”

“There is no way in hell you think that is any kind of correct right?  Because that is super not how this works.”

“Fine, I’m also sorry for doing all that.”

“That’s actually the right response, wow.”

“What?”

“You’re apologizing, to me, with minimal coercing” she didn’t have to sound so surprised.

“I can be nice when I choose to be” you reply indignantly.

“I’m just not used to it, you aren’t hiding anything much worse are you?”

“What?” you might be but like, how dare she.  “How dare you assume the worst of me.”

“You’re right, you’ve acted like a responsible person and I will too, I’m sorry.”

“Thank you.”

“So, since this was handled much faster than expected, wanna read them with me?”

“Sure, I’ve got nothing better to do!”

“Great” she sat down on one of the counters stools.  “Let’s do newest to oldest.”

“Sounds like a plan” maybe in the newer ones he’d use fancier language to call you and Naruto sinful whores.

She cracked open the first letter and began reading it aloud.

“Dear Daughter, wow not even my name, due to a lack of reply from to my previous letters I will be forced to take a different approach” she was doing her best to mimic his voice.  “I have spoken with the council and they have convinced me that you are too big a risk to let loose.”

You both exchange a look.  Those weren’t exactly good words to be put in a letter.

“Members of the clan will be sent to collect you, I ask you comply and make this process as painless as possible.  Once all of these matters are taken care of you may return to that den of lust you now call a home.  Now Haku, this doesn’t sound very good.”

“Maybe I should’ve kept reading them after all” you may have fucked up just a little.

“To beat a dead horse, YOU COULD HAVE JUST GIVEN ME MY MAIL” she was in the right once again.  “SHIT WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?”

“What do you mean?  Why not just go do whatever and then we all can chill?”

“NOPE NOT DOING THAT.”

“WHY NOT?”

“WHY AM I NOT GOING TO LET MY FATHER FORCE ME INTO FAMILAL SLAVERY?”

“OH RIGHT” you forgot they did that.

“YEAH OH RIGHT.”

“Well, Zabuza had a saying for problems like this” you go into the kitchen cabinet you keep spare throwing needles.  “Just kill them.”

“I’m not going to kill the people who are probably also slave to the family that are being sent to drag me away.”

“Well, fine” you put the needles down.  “Then what do you vote we do?”

“We could hide somewhere?” Hinata hadn’t thought that one through. 

“Where is this somewhere?  And don’t say either of your weird friends’ houses.”

“Ok first of all I wasn’t going to suggest either of them, but fuck I don’t know!”

The discussion came to a halt as the doorbell rang.  You and her exchanged a look, you were probably fuck deep in the shit now.

“I’ll get it” Gaara called out from the other room.

“NO” you both yell but his sand was way too fast.

“Fine I’ll just go home” you both let out a huge breath to the sight of Sasuke.

“No you can stay, we thought you were, it’s a long story” you don’t feel like getting into it right now.

“Uh huh, I came over to ask if anyone wanted to spar, but you all seem kinda busy so I’ll just skedaddle.”

“Wait” Hinata looked at you real fast.  “Can we hide out at your place for a bit?’

“Why?”

“We can explain once we get there?”

“Sure?” Sasuke luckily didn’t seem to give too much of a shit about your vagueness.

“Let’s go!” you grab Hinata and Gaara before running out after Sasuke.

After some high quality creepin and sneakin you make it to the Uchiha compound undetected.  The place was huge and exactly the last spot they’d come to looking for Hinata.  After getting there you fill him in on all the details.

“Wait, that’s like, supremely fucked” Sasuke was firmly on the side of familial slavery being wrong.

“So we can hide out here for a few days?” Hinata was constantly looking around with her special eyes.

“Yeah sure, I’m not exactly short on space.”

“Why is the whole compound empty?” Gaara no, don’t ask that.

“My whole family died” oh now it was real sad Sasuke hours, thanks Gaara.

“Oh” yeah just say oh you dipshit.

“So about that sparring?” Hinata tried to shift the mood to a more Sasuke positive topic.

“Maybe later I’m gonna go cry for a bit” well, at least he was honest about his emotions.

“Well, Gaara you have lost your asking questions privilege for the duration of our stay here” you give him a look.

“How was I supposed to know that?  I’m from the desert.”

“Fine, one more strike and you’re done asking questions.”

“Thank you.”


	5. Chapter 5

"Look, we’ve been hiding out at Sasuke’s for a week now, I feel like we have to do something else” you were going to lose your mind if you had to hear Sasuke cry during the night again.

“Well what exactly are we going to do?” Hinata also was at her limit.  “I’m sure their staking out the house at this point.”

“So, we just, sneak by?” you knew it’d be hard to do that since, they were a clan of people with x-ray vision.

“Even if we sneak by they’ll just be able to see us inside the place.”

“Now, this isn’t a question” Gaara gave you a look as you prepared to shush him.  “Why don’t we just kill them?”

“That was literally a question, and I thought we talked about the whole murder being bad Gaara.”

“It was a suggestion, and yea sure it’s bad, but so is slavery but no one seems to care about that here.”

“We can’t just kill them, they might be from the branch side and then we’re just killing the people who are oppressed.”

“Ok, new suggestion: We tell them we want to end this bullshit slavery and they help us kill the oppressive upper class.”

“Again, murder is bad Gaara.  The idea stays on the table though since we have no better ones.”

“Thank you for accepting my suggestion.”

“Look, we can’t just murder my family you two.  Beat into submission is on the table though.”

You and Gaara exchange a look.  Murder is on the table.

“Just appeal to the Hokage for sanctuary privileges, it makes you basically untouchable” Sasuke had apparently been eavesdropping.

“Is that a thing I can do?” Hinata had seemingly never heard of that.

“I mean, I’ve done it?”

“Why?”

“Sometimes I just like to make use of my being head of a clan privileges okay.”

“So I can’t do it then, cool.”

“Well, if your whole family dies then you can” Gaara no, not in front of Sasuke.

“I mean, if you’re disowned you’re technically your own clan right?” Sasuke had thankfully chosen to ignore Gaara.

“There’s no way that’s how it works right?” Hinata looked to you and Gaara, both of you being known experts of bureaucracy.

“Sure” you say this with a shrug.

“Sound logical to me” Gaara sounds just as sure as you.

“See they agree, let’s go make you a clan” Sasuke might be trying to kick them out.

One quick walk to the Hokage later, using the Uchiha clan privilege to cut the line, things seemed like they’d work. 

“Are you officially disowned Hinata?” the Hokage was going through the clan paper work.

“Maybe?” she didn’t actually know.

“Do you have any form or concrete evidence to show this?”

“We could check the letters?” you of course brought them with you in case you wanted a cheap laugh.

“That is a lot of letters” the Hokage buzzed his secretary.  “Cancel my appointments this is a very pressing matter.  Thank you.”

“Wow, thank you Lord Hokage for all the help” Hinata was using her respectful voice.

“Oh don’t mention it, I’d rather do anything else than those meetings.  Speaking of, any word from Naruto about when they’ll be back?  I have a retirement party to plan.”

“No” you frown a bit, missing Naruto hours were back.

“Well, back to the matter on hand, let’s look at these letters.”

After two hours the five of you finally manage to get through all the letters.  There were a lot of them, you’d sorted them into groups based on the contents.  A pile of ones calling you and Naruto heathens, sad ones asking for his little girl to come home, angry ones, angry ones calling you and Naruto heathens, your favorite was the three where he uses the phrase den of sin.  Never gets old.

“Well, I don’t think any of these really count for the evidence we need” the Hokage had a small frown as he put the last one down.

“Not to beat a dead horse, but can’t they just be arrested because slavery is very wrong” Gaara had a really good point still.

“You see, no, because according the original founding documents, their allowed to have slavery, even though it is very wrong.  They have refused any attempts to alter said documents, and the council backs them due to the clan’s size.”

“What if we kill them with sand?”

“Gaara murder is off the table” Hinata give him an indignant look.

You mouth to the Hokage ‘Murder is still on the table.’

“If you can get a document saying your father disowns you and have him sign it we can get you clan sanctuary” the Hokage decided to lead them off the murder path.

“That’s gonna be real hard, their kinda trying to kidnap me right now.”

“What if we use you as bait and then trick your dad into signing a paper?” you were willing to risk Hinatas life for this plan.

“Why would I agree to that?”

“It’s that or murder girl, we have exhausted all our other options at this point.”

“Murder is supposed to be off the table!”

“Hinata please, I am a recovering murdering monster, it’s never off the table” Gaara really knew how to introspect huh.

“I’m going to ignore you said that, because this is my FAMILY.”

“Having a family is overrated Hinata, look at me!” Sasuke looked like he was really pushing the sadness down for that one.  “Or Naruto, or even Haku.”

“Wow, so many of us don’t have families” you never thought of it like that.

“Sasuke you cry yourself to sleep because of your dead family shut up” wow Hinata, that was really mean.

“And you’re a bitch but I don’t say that to you out of nowhere” now he looked like he was going to cry.

“Ok, as Hokage I say no murder” he gives you a small wink, some murder was clearly allowed.

“Then it’s bait plan let’s go get a signature” you grab Hinata and head to the door.  “Gaara you can just go back home.”

“Not to my house though” Sasuke was really sick of him huh.

“Ok, fine, leave me out of the plan, see if I care” he sounded like he cared a lot.

“Trust me it’s better this way” you were going to need to think of some really convincing lies for this to work.  “Lead the way to the clan place Hinata!”

“Why do I already not like this plan” she was such a downer some days.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long delay! I graduated college and started a job so I've been insanely busy!!! But I'm getting back to writing so expect more chapters hopefully!

“Hello, I'm here to return one heiress” you really hoped your shittly made disguise plus illusion wouldn't be seen through.

 

“Sir do you have two mustaches?” the guard squinted at your face.

 

“Maybe, who's asking huh?” you thought two mustaches was in for weird guys who help in clan based kidnappings. “Are you a cop or something?”

 

“Well, no I suppose I'm not a cop” perfect he was clearly confused by that.

 

“Good, anyways, where do I return this girl” you gestured again to Hinata.

 

“Uh, I guess here? I'll go ask.”

 

“This plan is dumb and if I die or am made a slave because of it I will murder you” Hinata was being a huge downer.

 

“Oh so murders on the table for you but not me and Gaara? Real dick move.”

 

“Yes because I'm the one who's life is literally hanging in the balance here, so I get to murder people.”

 

“Fine whatever” you waited for the guard to come back in silence.

 

“Hi yes, uh, sir...” he was looking right at you.

 

“Yes?”

 

“You can return that girl here, Mr....” why was he constantly trailing off like that.

 

“Great to hear, I just need to get a signature from the clan head for the job completion.”

 

“You do?”

 

“Well yeah, duh” all good cons rely on being a dick to people who clearly don't know a lot.

 

“Oh, uh, alright, it's just, no one told us you'd be meeting with him” jeez what kind of guard cares this much about who goes in or out of a secure clan compound.

 

“Well obviously not, it's a need to know basis.”

 

“Right, uh” fuck were all the people in this clan like old Hinata?

 

“Listen, either you bring to meet the head of the clan, or I just take this girl and return her elsewhere” you hope he doesn't realize your threat makes no sense.

 

“But where el-”

 

“What's it gonna be bucko? You wanna tell your boss why this girl was not returned here?”

 

“N-no.”

 

“Then take us to the clan head ASAP.”

 

“Yes, yes sir, right this way, uh, sir” he turned around and quickly walked inside.

 

“I can't believe this is working” Hinata was in for a day of unbelievable schemes.

 

The two of you followed the man inside, making sure to speed walk past any clan members you saw. After a lot of twists and turns, this place was fucking huge, the guard stopped at a door.

 

“He's in there, but I think he's in a meeting” you could hear voices from inside the room, they did sound like a meeting.

 

“Well thank you, you may go” you shoo him.

 

“But, shouldn't I take the girl your trying to return?” you roll your eyes at him.

 

“No, I am strictly returning her to the big boss around here” you shoo him again.

 

“Oh, uh, um” you just shoo him a third time, not wanting to deal with his Hinata like shutdown.

 

“Was I like that?” after he left Hinata whispered this to you.

 

“What?”

 

“You know, forever ago?”

 

“Oh no of course not, you were so much worse.”

 

“Thanks asshole.”

 

“It's true, at least he did stutter out about trying to steal my man.”

 

“I did that one time, one.”

 

“And it was hilarious, now stop talking your supposed to be a prisoner.”

 

“Fine. Dick.”

 

You wait around for a few minutes. This turns into a half hour, the meeting seemed to still be going strong. You're getting sick of waiting around. You storm into the office, throwing impulse control to the wind.

 

“How dare you make me wait a half hour because of this..” you trail off as it's just him watching a show and talking at it.

 

“Who are you, why are you here, you saw nothing” he quickly hid the screen.

 

“I'm here, to return her” you gesture to Hinata. “Per this contract.”

 

“Oh, well, good.”

 

“I just need your signature and then we can all be on our way, and you can return to this meeting” you pull out the fake contract.

 

“Right, good, very professional, I knew hiring a bounty hunter was the right decision” he looked around his desk for a pen.

 

“I can't believe you hired a bounty hunter, to drag your own daughter back here” Hinata was initiating operation Family Argument, to distract him from reading this fake contract.

 

“Oh because you made it so easy to get you back here?” he fell for it. “I sent countless letters, which you ignored. Sent people to politely bring you, whom you hid from. I didn't exactly have many options.”

 

“I didn't exactly have many options” she repeated what he said but in a mocking tone.

 

“How dare you young lady, I have done my best to raise you and this is how you treat me” wow he really hated that one.

 

“News flash asshole” she really did listen to your comprehensive guide of how to be an asshole. “You've been a shitty father the whole time.”

 

“Oh, well, your welcome for providing a roof over you head and food for you then” there's no way he though he was actually a good parent right?

 

“Sasuke's family did that for him, and they all died, so you literally did as much as the dead family” holy shit Hinata.

 

“I, that, you” she, she broke him.

 

“So just sign you stupid fucking contract or whatever and brand me so we can all be on with our lives” she crossed her arms and turned away from him.

 

“Not to sound like a third wheel here, but I too would like to be on my way” this had been a little awkward.

 

“Right, let me just sign that real fast” he took the contract and signed it quickly, a perfectly executed plan.

 

“Thanks, I'll see my self out” you take the paper and roll it up.

 

“Thank you for helping make my family whole again” wow he just hit you with that.

 

“Now don't thank me yet” you put the contract safely away, and grab a fist full of pocket sand.

 

“Yet?”

 

“Now!” you throw the sand in his eyes and run out with Hinata.

 

“AH, SAND, IN MY EYES” the sounds of things knocking over means your plan was flawless.

 

Quickly sprinting through corridors and hallways the two of you approached an exit. You could taste the success of this plan already, it tasted a lot like ramen weirdly enough.

 

“STOP” someone was yelling after you now, and it sure sounded like they were chasing you.

 

Barreling through the door and knocking over that helpless guard from before, you were out! You made an ice trail to slick up the ground here. Hinata grabbed your arm and dragged you along. She, for a very good reason, wanted to get out of here.

 

“AND YOU'LL NEVER FORGET THE DAY YOU ALMOST CAUGHT, Hinata please stop jerking me around I'm gloating at your family, HAKU YUKI.”

 

“WHO THE HELL IS HAKU YUKI” wow for a little bitch that guard sure could yell.

 

After a lot of non-stop running, the two of you made it back to the Hokages office. You got ushered back in rather fast, probably thanks to this being Uchiha clan business still.

 

“That was rather fast” the Hokage was making a house of cards.

 

“Did you really doubt what we could do as a team?” you were still riding the high of that win.

 

“Not to be in a rush, but can we do the whole getting me immunity thing quickly” Hinata sure sounded like she was in a rush.

 

“Right, I filled out the forms ahead of time while I waited, we just attach this signed proof of you being disowned and we're all good.”

 

“Wow, this whole process sure was easy” you expected much more bureaucratic bullshit.

 

“I'm the Hokage, and I'm retiring soon, I can literally do almost whatever I want” wow that sure wasn't a great thing to hear from the leader of the village.

 

“So, now what, do I get like a badge in the mail or something?”

 

“Do you want a badge? Sauske said they look kind of ugly.”  
  


“If it legally prevents my family from kidnapping me I'll take it” it really only now dawned on you as to how fucked up this whole thing was.

 

“Well, allow me to be the first to thank you and your clan for becoming members of our village” he handed her a really ugly looking badge.

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. Yeah. I uh, forgot to um. Update this story. I'm busy a lot I'm sorry.... I make no guarantees for when future updates will drop, but they will!

"So" Naruto seemed, kind of incredibly bewildered by your story about what had happened while he was gone.  "When did the arrest part happen?"

"I'm getting to that part just give me a second" some of this story possibly was not true, but Hinata sure wasn't here to tell the real parts of it all.  "Anyways, that badge was so ugly."

Picking up from the badge, you reweave the threads of your mostly true story.  You also make a note to get Hinata to show him the badge whenever she gets home.

"So you can now do literally whatever you want with no repercussions right?" that's vaguely what Sasuke said when he brought the idea up, and it's the part you remembered.  "Cause if so, I am literally the only member of my "Clan" and should have at that ability."

"I mean, I can do as I please within my own clan as it's leader, I can't just break laws like crazy" Hinata had a little booklet she was leafing through, courtesy of the Hokage.  "I do get, and this is like super weirdly specific, like four free desertions?  Only one if I commit full acts of treason, but I'm still allowed back if I do."

"Huh, they must have added that recently" Sasuke pulls out his own, and much older looking, booklet.  "I'll just keep that info up in my noggin if it's ever useful."

"You do have to explicitly make a claim of becoming Hokage while coming back, seriously who came up with this and when would it come up?" Hinata pointed to the eight full paragraphs pertaining specifically to this part of clan leader rights.

"While this is super funny info to know and have on hand, it sure is great neither of us is ever going to use it" Sasuke sure said that in a weird way.

"Oh well, duh" Hinata did not sound any less suspicious, were your friends literal traitors of the state?

"Right, but we can also move back into our own home now!" you change the topic before anyone can reveal their secret plans.

"Oh thank god, please get your stuff ASAP" wow thanks Sasuke.  "Not that we aren't friends and everything, but I cannot live with people."

"Well, only a little offense taken there, but yeah we'll clear out."

The three of you meet back up with Gaara, and then with his sand assistance, get to work moving back home.  You stop and grab take out on the way since all your groceries are most definitely bad.  Of course nothing in your life is ever easy and waiting at the gate is a very angry Hiashi.  Great.  The foods going to get cold.  You approach and greet him with all of the dignity and grace you'd been taught by Zabuza.

"What's popping bitch" Zabuza was a good teacher.

"What's popping?  WHAT'S POPPING?" his eyes still looked red from your sand attack earlier.  "You.  Threw sand.  Into my eyes.  What do you think is 'Popping'?"

"I'm about to chow down on this delicious food so, that."

"Dad just go back to the clan compound" Hinata decided your attempts to handle the situation weren't going to work.  

"Oh don't worry, I will" his tone wasn't a great one.  "But first I've come to deliver the terms of our duel, Mr. Yuki."

Uh.  Fuck.

"Duel?  You're kidding right?" Hinata no don't set him up for this.

"Of course not, tomorrow at high noon, hand to hand combat, training ground 1" he made very pointed eye contact with you.  "Unless you accept the terms of defeat now after issuing a duel with your, sand, earlier."

"What would forfeiting entail for me exactly?" you could only assume nothing good.

"Oh I'm glad you asked" he unfurled a scroll from his pocket.  "Losing the duel, or forfeiting, results in the loss of all private assets.  They are then the property of the victor."

"Oh that's all?" you don't own shit.  "Yeah no I'm not fighting you, go ahead and claim all of my no assets."

"Well then, you best head back to the Uchiha estate, as this house is now Hyuuga property."

"No it's not, it's not even my property, Naruto owns that house" you hope there wasn't some legal bullshit you jump got bamboozled by.

"Oh yes, it is normally, but since he's out of the village on extended leave.  You are granted full ownership rights, as stated in this document signed by him."

You look over said document.  Fuck.  Why had no one told you about this?

"Freeze frame, I one hundred percent told you about that" Naruto once again cut into your  narrative.

"When?"

"I, left a note."

"Oh well that sure was helpful, where did you leave this note?"

"With Kakashi.  I can see now, that was a mistake."

"Only mostly, and no more interruptions!  The stories almost over!"

"Fine fine."

"Thank you" you clear your throat and get back into story mode.

You'd been bamboozled by legal nonsense and an asshole using archaic dueling laws.  Which meant you were fucked and had to duel him, or so you thought.

"Fine I'll fight you tomorrow" this sucked.

"Oh no no no, you already forfeited, so that's a no go" he gave you a smug grin, fuck you wanted to throw more sand in his eyes.

"Then here!" Hinata, grabbing a handful of Gaaras sand, acted out your current desire.  "I, Hinata of the currently unnamed Clan I technically am the head of, challenge you to a duel."

"SAND, IN MY EYES, AGAIN" Hiashi grabbed his face, bending over in pain.

"Tomorrow, high noon, training grounds three, no holds barred, you versus me, normal dueling stakes apply" you were so proud of her right now, even if this was a goddamn awful idea.

"I, AGH, ACCEPT" with bright red, tear filled eyes, he glared at you both before leaving.

"Ok Hinata, one that was really cool and probably a huge step towards you resolving your daddy issues, but two: HE'S GOING TO DESTROY YOU!"  

"Nah, I've got a plan, it's not just hand to hand after all" she had a surprisingly mischievous grin. 

"Ok, let's hear this plan, we've got like, seventeen hours" you follow her to the scene of the duel.

"Step one: I'm gonna kick my dads ass!" you loved this energy.

 


End file.
